The Secret

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The Secret

A lot of my clients have asked me the same question: “How do you know when you’ve found your match?” The answer is actually incredibly simple: You know you’ve found your match when you realize you’ve become who you’ve only hoped and dreamt you could be, and who you could only be given the presence of this other person in your life. It is exactly why I don’t believe your match is someone exactly like you. While it is crucial to share values and goals with your partner, the secret lies in your complementary traits.

To say I am Type A would be an understatement. I sweat if I’m running even a minute late to anything, and I’m anxious at the mere thought of skipping my daily ClassPass workout or sleeping in on a Saturday when there are so many things to be done. I’d rather walk through Times Square on New Year’s Eve than meet up with someone on just an hour’s notice. My best matches have been those that make me calm the F#^* down. (No, I’ve never tried weed or yoga, and I never will.)

I knew I was in a good relationship once when my parents told me: “You’re a better person with this guy. We’ve always loved you, our crazy, hyperactive daughter, but I think we like you even more now with him in your life.” When I took this guy to Florida to meet my parents for a weekend, I realized I didn’t have to have an itinerary planned out to the minute, I could survive without Barry’s Bootcamp for a few days, and yes, it was ok to eat a carb or two. After a few months of dating, it hit me that I didn’t remember the last time I was short with someone out of my own impatience. I had run a few minutes behind to a meeting, and it was OKAY! I even ate avocado toast (bread included!) in bed at noon on a Sunday…. and I loved it. In fact, my endocrinologist said my routine bloodwork was improving, crucial for someone like me with a cortisol disorder directly affected by stress.

It works both ways, of course. This love of mine would typically struggle to get up at noon, would lose his wallet daily, and would rarely remember to zip up his zipper…. And that’s even if he’d remember he’s supposed to be wearing pants and not his Jiu-Jitsu gi in public. However, after we had been together for awhile, he noticed that he began to enjoy wearing blazers instead of hoodies to formal events, stopped slipping the F-bomb every other sentence, and started eating Greek yogurt instead of Cool Whip for breakfast. He’d started planning things more than two hours in advance, and I simultaneously started to appreciate some much-needed spontaneity in my own life. Sure, these are silly little changes, but they’re representative of something much greater: we were both incredibly happy, and we had found a healthy balance in our relationship that allowed us to thrive both together and independently.

Forget about determining if you’ve found your match by asking yourself if you love your partner enough – the real question is: do you love YOURSELF when you’re with your partner? If the answer is YES, and you love who you’ve become as a result of this person in your life, mazel tov!

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