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I always had a bit of a thing for Captain Jack Sparrow. On Halloween a few years ago, when I spotted a Johnny Depp-leganger across the room at a party, I couldn’t help but run over and sprinkle some fairy dust on him. I was Tinkerbell, after all. Fate? Captain Sparrow was funny and charming, inserting silly pirate puns into our conversation about our shared interests of Western Europe and fitness. He had me “hooked” at: “Don’t worry – I’ll just challenge you to hold a plank, not walk one!” That night, we went back to his apartment to watch Drag Me to Hell (SO horrible), still in our costumes. Not sure what to expect of his apartment, I was surprised to see a toddler-sized tabby cat perched upon the largest cat castle I’ve ever seen. A copy of The Fourth Dimension lay open on his sofa next to a […]

It was the third date with my then-boyfriend Jon*, and he was coming over to my place for the first time. Soon after we entered my apartment, he crouched down in an awkward “shit-bow” pose and asked, “Ok to touch right here?” “Um, ok,” I said. “Ahh, “ he muttered, gritting his teeth. “So hairy. Such a nice little hairy girl, you are.” No, we were NOT in the bedroom. Lordy, get your mind out of the gutter, as my mama would say! And no, there wasn’t much hair, either, thank you very much. Jon was meeting my dog Feeny for the very first time, a sweet little rescue terrier with fur no bushier than the budding unibrow of my youth. After Feeny confusingly sniffed his fingers, Jon whipped out a mini bottle of hand sanitizer and proceeded to douse his arms elbow-deep with the disinfectant. It was an awkward […]

On my way home from an event last month, I had my cab driver drop me off in front of the Food Emporium next door to my building, right before it closed at midnight. I was starving, my inhibitions were down, and I had my mind set on ending my night alone with an entire pint of Halo Top ice cream. Suddenly, right after I entered the revolving door, it jammed, and I realized a drunk guy had snuck in behind me and started breathing his whisky-breath down my neck. When I broke free into the store, he would not leave my side. At one point, as he reached out to snatch the whipped cream out of my arms (AMAZING on top of Halo’s PB Cup flavor, FYI), four Food Emporium employees emerged out of nowhere, yelling at the guy to get out of the store before they call security. […]

Brie. A Boombox. A Boston Terrier. Who’d have thought that these three things could come together to make the best first date I’ve ever had in NYC*?! I had been in New York for less than 2 months when I met Scott** at a friend’s birthday. He was so charismatic, outgoing, and fun, and I was instantly attracted to his energy (and, of course, the fact that he was a ginger***!). He knew I loved dogs and being outside any chance I could get, so he planned a first date for us on a sunny afternoon in Central Park, telling me to bring my pup Feeny (named after one of the greatest TGIF sitcom stars of all time!). As Feeny and I walked over to meet him, I was surprised to see he had an adorable black and white Boston Terrier with him. “Who is this?” I asked, knowing Scott […]